An ode to remodeling

To be read in the style of If you give a mouse a cookie. 

If you give a girl a microwave, she's going to want to put it over the oven.  And if you put the microwave over the oven, you're going to have to move all the cupboards over.  In order to move the cupboards over, the pantry has to go.  Once the pantry is gone, you will have to decide to build in a soffit where the pantry was, or just tear out all the soffits.  You tear out all the soffits, and then discover there are some wires and a pipe hiding in one side, along with some mold.  You partially rebuild the soffits you just tore out.  Since all the cupboards are hanging out in your garage, you might as well paint them and then rearrange them so you have more counter space.  And to make room for a dishwasher.  Which means you need new counter tops to fill in all the new counter space.  And if the cupboards and counter tops are new, well, then you might as well get a new floor that may or may not take twice as long as you originally thought to be put in place and finished.  Which means you have no sink for two months and end up doing dishes in the bathroom and rinsing raw chicken in the bathtub because you want to finally cook something in a crock pot instead of eating microwaved meals.  In fact, you vow once the kitchen is done, to never use a microwave again.