I think if I thought more about what happens at work, I'd never be able to go back. So I numb myself. I distance myself. These are the tasks I must accomplish, I must keep this person alive, I must keep them clean and comfortable, I must be pleasant and calm when inward I'm seething, I must know the whys and the what’s behind every task. I do this very well.
Yet, I had this beautiful, noble purpose about becoming a nurse. I could help families through the same struggles. I'm one of the few who can say, "I know what you're going through. Really."
But I just can't make myself that emotionally available. I can't. I thought working where I'm working would promote healing, give closure. All I've done is replace old feelings with newer ones. Horrible memories with less horrible. So there it is. And here I am. Stuck. I do my job, I do my duty, but was I able to ease the pain?
I can't even remember, except small snippets, the pain I went through, my family went through. I almost feel brainwashed. I've almost erased this huge experience. And when I try to bring back those memories I mentally cringe and can't bring myself to do it. So, I go through the motions of my day, I do my work very well, but if I ever once try to go back and put myself in their shoes I hit a wall.